Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
