I faked an abortion last night.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's great music for shaving your balls
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Randomize
