The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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