He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
