Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize