so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize