I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Randomize
