oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
