census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
