If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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