last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
