If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
