sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
