i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He shit in the fireplace
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
