Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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