There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
the condom got lost in my hair
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize