that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
my liver is dry heaving
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
