Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
