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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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