i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize