i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
