I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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