First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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