everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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