i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
God I need to hump something, right now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
