Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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