I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
