Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
