it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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