I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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