I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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