You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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