The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
