im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
