I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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