There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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