I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
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can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
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If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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