turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
