Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
