Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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