So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it hurts more in the daytime
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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