Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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