My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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