We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
