JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
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Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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