I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
