You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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