Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
