I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
