I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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