Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Randomize
