I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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