All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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