your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
