guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
