Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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