Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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