he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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