wrigley field is MILF paradise
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
