Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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