You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
