your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
